I want to be an artist without being a muse.

Living in modern times, I sometimes find myself caught in a strange cycle with my art. I long to spend more hours in the studio, but then I think, “I should film this - create the kind of content that pushes me out of the box. I want to be known for my art and designs first, and as a content creator second.”

Pastel sketches from the weekend.

Yet sometimes, the camera stops me from creating altogether… so I wonder: can I be inspired without needing to inspire others?

The process of having to look presentable in order to create can dull my creativity. Getting dressed, doing a bit of hair and makeup, setting up the tripod... it adds an extra layer of complexity that clouds the very thing I’m trying to translate onto paper. I develop this fear of the blank canvas because, once a few moments of the process are on video, there’s no turning back - no scrunched-up pages, no space for mistakes. It brings a sense of rigidity and pressure that turns creation into a quest for validation.

Don’t get me wrong - I do love making beautiful videos. It’s just another way to be creative. But sometimes, in such an intimate process, I don’t want to link it to how I look. Because that’s not all I am, and it’s not what matters.

I need a moment alone with my paints and brushes. I need to sit in a strange posture. I need a private space - just my creation and me. I want to enjoy the final result first, even if only for a while.

That’s why I spent Easter mostly in ‘do not disturb’ mode - walking by the sea and sitting on the studio floor. I treated myself to new pastels and rice paper, and, with my spring playlist playing through my wired headphones, I allowed myself to simply play. To use colour. To get my hands dirty. It felt truly beautiful, and I don’t need much more than that in a day.

Among other pieces, I painted this Japanese inspired landscape with a horse - Felix was kind enough to frame them and hang it in our living room.

I truly believe I’m here for more than just my looks. I want to be an artist, a designer, a curator, a writer. I want to be a student every day, forever.